(this post is a few months old. i wrote it quickly while the feelings were fresh but never went back to publish it. i am re-reading some drafts i haven't published yet and decided to look over this one. i sometimes hesitate to admit just how HARD this motherhood thing can feel at times. i worry that i will come off as ungrateful or wanting sympathy. i don't want sympathy because being a mom certainly is nothing that warrants sympathy. i never want to be ungrateful the children we have and the gift that they are to us. on the hardest of days, my heart literally aches with love for them. even at that though, there are still days when i just feel DONE. done with being needed and done with being the one always called on. this was one those days...)
i woke up tired, defeated and frankly, just over my current day to day tasks. i don't feel like waking up at 2am for a 4 yr old having a bad dream and wanting to relocate her bed to our room, or at 4:30am to deal with a 1 yr old who seems to be yelling for no reason, or again at 5:45am for an almost 3 yr old that is "all done with sleep!". i don't feel like getting people food before 7am and cleaning up the spilled water and cereal. i don't feel like breaking up fight after fight on who knocked over who's block tower. i just don't FEEL like doing it. if i had my way, i would lock my door and stay in bed until at least noon today and avoid life.
and i know the truth, i know that sleep, friends, coffee or a career won't fix my attitude. i know that those things won't keep me from waking up some mornings and watching out the window with envy as gregg drives away from it all and off to work. i know that. i know in my heart that the only thing that needs to change this morning is me and my heart. not the fighting kids or the endless messes, just me. but it takes feeling completely defeated and lost for me to admit that. it i can just find a way to change my circumstances, then i wouldn't have to admit that my attitude is terrible and my heart is ungrateful this morning. i wouldn't have to be less selfish and put my own agenda aside. i keep trying to find away around it all..until i just have to finally admit that there isn't a way around it all. it's just me. it just comes down to me and my attitude.
i need a reset this morning. my kids are still fighting and there is still spilled milk on the floor as i type this. i'm tired and feeling lonely. my coffee is waiting on the counter and probably will be for another hour or so. but none of that really matters because of none is going to go away or change. but, i am praying for my heart. i will admit that it is coming from a tired, defeated place this morning, but i am praying nonetheless.