on closing the door

i always assumed that at a certain point in life and family i would just feel DONE with having kids. that i would know without a doubt that it was time to pack up the maternity clothes and newborn gear for one last time and close that door. maybe it happens for some people that way, but i'm shocked to find that it's not happening that way for me.

i went to get my hair cut this past week (at a real salon for the first time in over a year!) and the guy cutting my hair was asking me about my day and what i "do." this question is always awkward for me to answer for some reason but when i told him that i had been at home with kids all day he said "oh, you're that. that's what you do." he asked how old our kids were and if we done. i told him we were done with pregnancies but hope adoption/foster care is in our families future at some point. he said "wow, you must really like kids if you have 3 and want more." well, the truth is, i am not really a kid person. i never have been. i've tried making kids my "thing" in the past and it's never worked out well for me. (explored the idea of elementary ed, babysitting, childcare work for a job and at church, etc) honestly, 10 years ago i would have never seen my life as what it is. i would have never guessed i would have had 3 babies in 3 years, be staying home full time and driving a minivan to play dates, parks and play gyms. i guess i always knew deep down that i would have children but it was never this burning desire that i just KNEW i was destined for. it's funny how things change and how God has slowly changed my desires. i look at tiny eisley and it breaks my heart to think she may very likely be the last newborn that i hold. even at 3am, when all i want to do is sleep, i look at her wide awake and smiling at me and i just can't imagine this being the end.

now, i know i've said we were done with pregnancies before and well, turned out we weren't. but this time, it really is different. after delivering eisley and talking to my doctor, it just doesn't seem safe or wise to go down the pregnancy road again. basically, it would be pretty risky for both myself and the unborn baby. so, truly, outside of a sovereign act of God, we will not be experiencing a newborn through pregnancy again. despite my lack of love for pregnancy itself, i am finding it a little sad to be closing that door.

maybe one day we will find our home with a newborn again through some other avenue. i hope so but it's hard to know for sure. is it possible to know for sure that you are done?