back to school and crazy emotional nonsense

i am finding it strange to be back in school again. i forgot how i studied and kept everything organized when i was in college nearly 5 years ago. i am hoping i figure it out soon. i'm trying to be a better student this time around and stay on top of my work and not let it pile up. especially this semester as a have a baby arriving right around finals-i still can't get over what stellar planning skills i have. of course, if i can just get passed finals it's actually good timing because i'll have about 6 weeks of a break.

anyway. so far the professors seem willing to work with me so i'm not too worried about it and i have noticed babies/children around campus and in chapel which makes me feel much better about the whole thing.

in other pregnancy related news.... (warning: i'm about to complain and whine BIG TIME)...

i really don't like being the pregnant girl in class. i like to blend into the crowd as much as possible. blending in and going unnoticed in social situations (i consider class a social situation) has always been my goal for as long as i can remember. being the only person walking around with a basketball under your shirt makes this a little bit impossible. i'm also INSANELY hot ALL the time now. i never stop sweating. today in chapel, i really thought i was going to vomit or pass out because i was so hot. i was crammed between two people (i have space issues..) and i ended up sitting on the edge of my seat so i could feel less crammed and breath. i also fanned myself with a sheet of notebook paper the entire time while the girls around me were apparently freezing. whatever, i'm carrying almost an extra 20lbs on me than normal. it's miserable in this stupid stupid summer heat. the heat is starting to turn me into a very angry person. i even wake up drenched in sweat every night. gross i know but it's true. whoever said pregnancy was magical was on drugs. it's MISERABLE a good 95% of the time.

but wait..i have even more to complain about:

sleep. it's over for me for at least the next 1.5 yrs-probably more really. if i manage to fall asleep i am awaken by either the urgent need to pee, a spastic baby inside my uterus (this is the only way i don't mind being awakened) or an insanely aching back, hips, legs, etc. last night it was all 3. my back hurt so bad i cried. i finally prompt myself up with about 4 pillows and slept sitting up from 3am to 7am. it worked and intend to do it again tonight.

unwanted advice. i will say this again, if i don't ask for your advice just assume it's best to keep your mouth shut. i don't want to hear it. i KNOW that my sleeping situation will get worse in 12.5 weeks when baby girl arrives. i'm not an idiot but i still intend to complain about my lack asleep now. deal with it and shut up.

lack of clothing options. i'm so sick of looking frumpy dumpy all the time. sure, there are cute maternity clothes if you want to pay $88 for a tshirt and $150 for a dress. guess what, i don't want to pay that. so i shop at Ross, the clearance rank at Target and JcPenny and stupid Motherhood Maternity. i hate just about everything i can now wear. i know this is superficial and selfish but it's the truth and rarely do i choose to not be totally honest. i miss my regular clothes and my regular body.

ugh. that might be all my complaints for now. if you read all that i'm impressed. i hope your idea of pregnancy hasn't been shattered. knowing what i know how, i would obviously still get pregnant again. the more i feel this little girl move around inside me, the more excited i get to meet her. i think about seeing her little face for the first time, wrapping her up in blankets and putting little hats on her, finding out what her personality will be like and seeing gregg and i both reflected in her actions. i can't wait to hear the funny things she will say or watch her learn to roll over, crawl and walk. i can't wait to hear her little voice for the first time and take her to church with us. i can't wait to share nightly prayers with her and i already pray that she comes to know Christ at an early age just as gregg and i both did. i know she's a precious gift from God and i know i already don't deserve her (just see rant above to confirm this). pregnancy is not fun the majority of the time-it's uncomfortable and annoying and really scary and stressful but it serves such a beautiful purpose and i know getting to go through this is something i should never ever take for granted.