Monday, August 3, 2015

oh, to be enough..

everyone feels like they aren't enough from time to time. it's just the way it is. some of us feel it come around more often than others. some of us have it hanging over our heads on what feels like every single day, only seeing the view shift for a day or two at a time before that yucky feeling edges it way back in.

lately i have been feeling a lot of the "not enough". i don't really like to talk about it though and it's not because i am ashamed of feeling this way but more because i don't want to come off as a plea for compliments or affirmation of my greatness. that's not what i need. sure, my flesh my desire that. but, i know that as lovely as it is for a friend to tell me how awesome i am, at the end of the day those words fade into the background and get overshadowed by the weight of needing to do and be more.

i follow a good amount of blogs and instagram accounts of bloggers from all different backgrounds. i've got Christian girl bloggers, fitness people, healthy living/eating accounts, mom blogs...all of it in my feed along with people i actually know ;) i don't often struggle with feeling like i want to have what other people have, like homes, trips, etc. although i definitely have dealt with that in the past, the last few years the biggest ways i find myself feeling not enough are:

1) how i look, specifically my weight and body shape


2) who i am as a person, specifically what i "do" or rather, don't do

so yeah, nothing too heavy right? ha.

i know these have got to be really common struggles. it would be so much easier for me to say that i struggle with wanting all the fun vacations i see friends on or the adorably styled homes popping up all over my instagram feed. i feel like these are safer things to admit to wanting, because who wouldn't want to go to Europe for the summer or have magazine quality decor in their bedroom?? it's harder for me to say that i don't feel like the person i am, the way i spend my days and what i see in the mirror are good enough. it shows some deep seeded insecurities. or, maybe i just feel like these things are harder to admit to because they are the things i struggle with. ha. that could totally be it too.

i don't really have a quick fix for this, though i have been searching for quite awhile. i can tell you the fix for the body image stuff isn't in losing weight or working out more. it's not in new, cuter clothes either. those things help for awhile but the effect wears off and soon it's back to feeling like i should be losing more weight or working out harder. it just means that i start to feel even more not enough.  i can tell you the fix for not feeling like who i am and how i spend my days isn't enough doesn't come with adding more tasks to a to do list or by enrolling in graduate school.

so, my new thought is just to own up to it instead of covering it up with attempts at fixing it. my idea is to confess this struggle, recognize that it is ultimately my longing to find my meaning and worth in my accomplishments rather than in Christ that is the true problem. that this whole thing about not being enough shines a light on my tendencies to be way more inward focused than outward focused. my hope is that those in my everyday life would be able to call me out on this when they see it brewing and point my focus back to loving and serving others well.

i KNOW i can't be alone in this and i hope that in just knowing it's a shared struggle will be an encouragement. it doesn't really matter how "enough" we may appear to another person, there is a really good chance we are spending plenty of our days feeling anything but that.

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