i've been a little distant with God lately and i honestly don't know why. when i get a free minute, the thought to pull up the She Reads Truth study will pop into my head and i will quickly dismiss it and go back to pinterest instead. when i am alone in the evenings now i will think about spending some time just talking to God, nothing formal and structured, just talking, but i'll shut it down and pull up netflix. and i don't know why.
but that day, i just couldn't ignore it any longer and i didn't want to. i just started talking and soon myself in tears when i realized that my heart has been seeking after people so much more than it's been seeking after Jesus.
since moving here, i have been so focused on creating friendships and community. i left some really great friendships in texas and my heart longs to have that here as well. i know it's not something i can create on my own or overnight, so i have been praying for patience.
while alone in my kitchen, it became very clear to me that i have very much been consumed with pursing friendships much more so than pursuing Him. i put quite a bit of time, thought and energy into seeking out community here in jacksonville and building connections. i love having people over to our house and meeting new friends for myself and our kids. i don't think there is anything wrong with it. in fact, i think having a community of close friends is an incredible gift and tool. it is so important to have people in our lives that we can open up to about the hard, hard stuff, who will speak truth into our lives and hold us accountable. i feel so fortunate that God has brought those people into my life and allowed those relationships to sustain a cross country move and i am so excited about the idea of developing similar relationships here. i truly hope to not only find community for myself but to also BE community for others.
unfortunately, my heart has been longing for community and friendship so much more so than it has been longing for the One that created it. i have spent way more time sending texts messages and setting up play dates than i have talking to God or seeking His direction. it's an easy habit for me to fall in to. it seems so logical for me to look for things that I can DO to help the process along rather than wait patiently on His move.
"my heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
my hope and my prayer is that He would be enough for me. that more than anything or anyone else in this world, my heart would long to be made full firstly in His presence.