i'm the first to say that most "christian" music is just really terrible. i'm sorry, i feel like i can say that and still love Jesus. i am not a musician but i do have ears. don't get me wrong, there is a decent chunk of it that is good and i'm so grateful for those who seek direction and prayerfully develop music as way of worship. however, most of the songs that come on mainstream christian radio are just cheesy with predictable lyrics. but when the kids are in the car with me and the radio is on, it's on to the christian station. i just don't need my 5, 3 and 1.5 yr old walking around singing whatever lyrics kesha is throwing out these days.
so the first few times i heard this song i didn't really pay much attention to it. it just sorta played in the background of whatever chaos was going on in our van at the time. after hearing it a few times i pretty much knew the lyrics and found myself singing along..but still i didn't really pay much attention to the words.
last night i was driving home alone from dinner and this song came on. (side note, there are more christian radio stations in jacksonville than i have ever encountered in my years as a texan. seriously, it's almost impossible to find a non-christian station here.) without really thinking i started singing along and before i new it, tears were running down my face.
it's been 5.5 years since i have worked. 5.5 years. someone asked me recently if i always knew i wanted kids and wanted to be a stay at home mom. the answer to that question is absolutely not. when i was younger and single, i didn't really feel much of a desire for kids. i figured i would likely have children some day but i certainly did see myself staying at home full time. i had always wanted to work and be "independent", as any typical first born does.
something changed after abbey was born. i was halfway through my first year of grad school when she came along and by the time she was 4 months old my desire for that degree had really faded. i don't know if it was the new mom fog, a shift in priorities or just being so lonely in ft. worth, but all i could think about was leaving the program and moving back to austin. so, that's what we did when she was 9 months old. fast forward 3.5 years into abbey's life and i am now home with a 3.5 yr old, 1.5 yr old and newborn all day, everyday and am in full blown identity crisis mode.
" i don't need my name in lights..i'm famous in my Father's eyes, make no mistake.. He knows my name. i'm not living for applause, i'm already so adored. it's all His stage...He knows my name.."
eisley is on the downhill slide to turning 2 and we don't have another baby on the way. lately i feel myself starting to panic a little about this because who am i if i don't have a baby to take care of?? what happens when these kids start going to school and i am sitting alone in this house, having not worked in 8-9 years? who am i then? sure, my kids will still need me but doesn't part of my importance fade a little at that point? i mean, they won't need me in the same way they do now.
so, this song came on last night and before i know it, i'm crying behind the wheel and feeling the weight of that pressure to find my value in what i do being lifted.
"he calls me chosen, free, forgiven, wanted child of the King. His forever, held in treasure...i am loved..."
i think my head knows that my value and worth isn't in what role i play here or how i spend my days. i would tell that to anyone who asked..but my heart..it gets side tracked and starts longing to be important. it longs to be valued and seen as an asset. it longs for recognition. it forgets that there is nothing that i could do on this earth that would add to or take away from who i already am because of Him. is it wrong to want to contribute to something outside of my home? no, absolutely not. but i do think it's a problem when our motivation starts to become recognition and a hunt for self worth.
"do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourself.." (phil 2:3)
this morning i'm grateful that i am loved and that i don't have to live for applause. i''m grateful that i can see value in whatever role i find myself in, not because of who i am, but because of what He's done and is doing in my life.
so, shout out to God for using a radio station that i roll my eyes at most days to speak some truth to my side tracked heart.
(ps, the song is He Knows My Name by Francesca Battistelli)