joy...

end of the year, start of a new. i have never really gotten on the new year's resolution bandwagon. probably out of laziness to some extent but also because i don't really get the hype about the new year being a fresh start. any day could be a fresh start, but that's just me, i'm a grump that way.

over the last few years i've seen all the (real) bloggers choosing words for the year they want to focus on, live by. i didn't really give it much thought last year and honestly not any this year until yesterday.

lately, things have been a little...hard- i guess. i don't know that hard is the right word because technically everything is going really well. everyone is healthy, gregg and i are doing great, gregg started a new job that is working out well and we even managed to squeeze in a fun trip to see family last month. but, i'd been lying if i said that i've been doing great. i have been feeling a little stuck lately, stir crazy sorta. i felt this way in the beginning of motherhood when i was getting use to this life staying at home with kids and leaving work. it took awhile for me to be content with that new role but eventually it felt comfortable and right and i hadn't really struggled with it again, until lately. maybe it's because it's been 4.5 years since i've had a "real" job. i mean, that's sorta crazy. maybe it's because since tucker came along 2 years ago, finding a way to even volunteer seems practically impossible. or maybe, it's just another phase, who knows but it's been getting to me lately. i really feel like i'm supposed to be doing something more. and i don't mean "more" as in more important, but more as "in addition too". i just can't seem to figure out what it is or how to even do it once i figure out what it is.

all that say, i've been feeling a little down and not always finding the joy in where i'm at now. yesterday i was thinking over all this and i kept thinking about that verse we hear in church all the time growing up, "..the joy of the Lord is your strength." (in nehemiah 8) i just kept thinking about how i want to really KNOW that as a personal truth. i want to really believe it in the midst of the chaos and loneliness that is my current life stage. that joy, contentment, and identity come from something so much greater and more meaningful. that joy is independent of anything i could ever create or do.

so, i guess the point here is that if i were going to pick a word for the year, it would be JOY. something i've honestly always struggled with but that seems to be particularly hard right now.