that one time i talk about breastfeeding...

i don't think i've talked about my breastfeeding experience with eisley on here and, while i know it's not really something other people are interested in, i kind of think i will want to remember how i felt about it. so go ahead and skip over this one in your reader...

it was obvious from eisley's 2nd night in the hospital that her needs weren't being met by breastfeeding alone. she had been very content between feedings, sleeping pretty much the whole chunk of time until she needed to eat again. sometime towards the end of that 2nd day i noticed that she was less content between feedings. i would feed her for 30 minutes and then she would seem okay for a few minutes but start yelling about 10 minutes later..feeding her more didn't help and i couldn't manually express anything either. it seemed obvious to me that we were headed down the familiar path of an insufficient supply. we told our nurse we thought she needed a bottle and of course our nurse was sure i just needed to "try longer". to which i basically responded, "look, this is my 3rd go around with this. our first baby basically starved for her first 2 weeks of life because we didn't realize this was happening. it's okay, give her a bottle." so they did but the nurse (who i am sure was well intentioned and just doing her job) called the lactation consultant to come to talk to me without me knowing. ha. it turned out to be good though because the lactation consultant just confirmed what i had already figured out. she said there is such as thing as insufficient glandular tissue and what i was describing seemed to be the case for me. even though i was already pretty sure this was my issue it was nice to have a lactation consultant recognize that instead of just telling me to try harder, pump more, take supplements, drink more water, hold out on a bottle, etc etc etc.

when we got home, i intended to do what i had done with abbey and tucker which is breastfeed + formula feed but after 2 weeks it became apparent that i just did not have the time to do both and keep up with my two other children.  i decided to let go of breastfeeding. it wasn't really a hard decision to make because it was just the practical one and i don't think formula is poison or that my children will be less intelligent/healthy with the lack of breast milk. it was hard for other reasons though. i just really, really wanted breastfeeding to work out this time. i knew it was my last chance and i was just hoping it would be different somehow. the frustrating thing for me is that i actually like breastfeeding and i have never had any of the problems so many women do getting started. my babies always adjusted to it really quickly and in eisley's case, seemed to prefer it over the bottle. but, my body just doesn't cooperate and nothing i do will change that. it is what is but i'm still a little sad about it. even four months later, every time i sit down to feed eisley i think about how i wish i were breastfeeding instead. i even think breastfeeding is way more convenient than bottle feeding-which i think most people assume the opposite. i get a little sad when i think about not having that experience again. i never, ever thought i would actually enjoy breastfeeding when i was pregnant with abbey. in fact, i sorta dreaded it but planned to do it primarily because it was important to gregg and the cost of formula. it took about 6 weeks for me to feel good about it but once i did, i didn't mind it at all. i kept up with breast + forumla feeding with abbey for 6ish months before switching to formula only.

i do sometimes still feel the need to explain why i'm not breastfeeding to other moms and every time i see the phrase "breast is best" i sorta want to lose it. (i mean, it's even on the formula canister..it's like it's saying "breast is best but if you must feed your child this subpar source of nutrition pick ours!", i'm sure it's required to be on there for some reason but it drives me crazy..)

so, that's that. we have one very healthy and happy sweet girl and for that, i am SO grateful.