since tucker was born i feel like i have been spending most of my time walking around in a haze of some sort. not fully connecting to what's going on around me and spending a good 50% of the time trying to not burst into tears at any given moment. i attribute about 90% of this state to messed up sleep and 10% to anxiety & postpartum fun. but it's been 2 months and things are maybe getting better? some days anyway.
i have this tendency to compare myself and my baby to other moms and babies. i will look at another mom that has a baby relatively close to tucker and think "wow, how is she so thin already?" or "wow, she seems so calm why i am an anxiety ridden sweaty mess every time i leave the house??" or "WOW! that baby is sleeping all night and my child is still waking up every few hours and not exclusively sleeping in his bed!"
i've started to really question why these things bother me so much. is it really that i want to be in shape again (or for the 1st time in my life..) or is it that i want to look good to other people? is that i want to be a calm, loving parent to my two children or is that i want to seem like i've got it all together to the outside world? is that i want to sleep like a normal person again (okay, it is just a little bit) or is that i want other people to be impressed with my ability to do things right? and yes, it's the latter in every case.
last week gregg took the day off while his parents were here and we went to the children's museum downtown. i had been feeling off all morning long-dizzy, really tired and walking around in a hazy state. after panicking that tucker was left alone in his carrier only to have gregg point out that he was HOLDING him standing right in front of me, we decided maybe i should sit down for a bit while the grandparents played with abbey. while we were sitting there focusing on making sure i wasn't going to pass out, gregg pointed out how every mom in the place seem to look each other up and down as they passed by. he said it must be rough living in the "mom world" and i couldn't agree more. the urge to compare in an effort to feel like a more confident mother is overwhelming at times.
so, in effort to combat this, i'm trying to be open and honest about where i'm at-even though it goes against my desire to make it seem like i've got it all down. i love my babies and i am so thankful that i get to spend my time with them all day everyday. so many moms wish this to be their reality too and i know it's only by God's grace that we are making it happen right now. but man, the days seem long sometimes and i often feel so hurried that i can't even focus on one thought for more than a few minutes. i can't remember anything unless i write it down and then i still forget it about half the time. i day dream about the pre-kid free time i use to have a little more than i'd like to admit and i am not sure when i'll get around to trying to potty train my 2 year old.
there is something freeing about admitting that i'm kind of winging it and feeling like i'm just making it most days. i am hopeful that in a few months i will feel like i have a better grip on the daily stuff and that just maybe we are all sleeping a good 7-8 hours a night. in the mean time, i am becoming more and more thankful for the small community of moms God has placed in my life that offer encouragement and prayer in response to my realness and tears. what a lonely place motherhood would be with such a community and it's my hope that i can be that community to someone too.
p.s. i thought i'd throw some pictures in since this was wordy :)