Thursday, April 9, 2009

selfish worry

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace."

what i'm about to type is pretty much brutal honesty but it is driving me crazy so i might as well just put it out here. i'm terrified of gaining weight during this pregnancy. please don't misunderstand-i will eat what i need to eat and gain what i need to gain for the baby and myself to be healthy. i'm just not looking forward to how i will feel while i'm doing it and especially afterwards. if you know me well, you know that weight has been my long time struggle. i am not by any means naturally thin. for the last 11 years i've struggled to stay at a normal size and i only got this "normal" size by extremely unhealthy means in the first place. one summer i was 16, tired of being the chubby quiet girl with crazy hair and decided not eating would be the best way to fix my life. the sad thing is is that it worked-at least at the time it sure felt like it worked. i started school that next fall and people took notice of the drastic amount of weight i'd lost in just 2.5 months. miraculously guys were talking to me and asking about me and the "popular" girls would actually start conversations with me in class. it wasn't until my freshman year of college that i realized the means i was using to stay that size would one day kill me if i didn't stop. so i did, but it's been hard ever since and i'm constantly terrified of gaining and now, in my current state, i will most definitely gain weight. in fact, i HAVE to gain weight and that is scary.

i feel like a terrible terrible person for thinking about this. so many women would be so very happy to just be pregnant and i'm obsessing over something so vein and unimportant-but i'm just being honest. i do worry about and think about other things non-stop as well. i worry that something bad is going to happen to this baby before it even has the chance to come into this world. i worry that i'm not getting enough protein, iron or other important vitamins/nutrients. i worry that i will pass on this ridiculous obsession with weight and body image to my child one day-that's actually a huge worry probably even greater than my selfish worry of gaining weight. i worry about very much and in doing so, i forget Who my sustainer is.

"Be anxious of nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" Phil 4:6-7

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