other moms

some days, more often than not these days, i'm convinced everyone else is doing this mom thing better than me.

we just got home from what felt like a marathon of exhausting morning events. our last stopped was to costco where two complete strangers asked if i needed help... not employees mind you, just shoppers. probably because eisley cried the whole time, even though i held her the whole time...and the other two, well they were actually being pretty decent. even with their good behavior, it all felt very chaotic.

by the time i got everyone back to the van, buckled in and somewhat content, i just kept thinking that another moms have got to be doing this better than me. other moms have to be better at calming their children down over invisible injuries and dropped blankets. other moms probably have clear thoughts and less chaos in their brain more often than i do. other moms probably don't have a one year old that yells at them most of the day unless being held and an almost 3 yr old they just haven't had the energy to even try to potty train. other moms probably don't have children that wake up at 5:30am everyday no matter what time they go to bed. other moms probably cook dinner more than once or twice a week and don't let their kid watch disney jr. and pbs. other moms probably have a discipline method figured out by now (you know, nearly five years into parenting) that they are consistent with. other moms probably incorporate more scripture into their kids lives. oh, and they probably have some sort of "school" time at home too. other moms can probably handle the chaos of three (just 3!!) children so much better than i do. basically, other moms have got to be doing this better than me.

some days, i know this isn't true. i know that every mom struggles and is just tying to figure it out. the problem is when those hard days come one on top of the other and then, i'm sitting in the parking lot of costco with 2 screaming children behind me and thinking, "yeah, other moms have got to be doing this better."

so if you find yourself sitting with those same thoughts, you can feel confident in knowing that at least this mom feels like she isn't doing it any better. i don't have it figured out, i don't even have one piece of it figured out because it seems to change everyday. but, my kids know that i love them. they feel safe with me. they want me to hold them and fix their invisible injuries. they can know that even when they have meltdowns over breakfast and wake me up every single day before the sun, that i will always be there. they can know that my love for them isn't earned by their behavior but is constant just by their existence and nothing more. if i can give that to them, if i can do at least that much, the rest will some how be okay.


...and maybe we won't do anymore costco trips for awhile.

"return, o my soul, to your rest..."

(i wrote this a few days ago, during a long and sleepless night...)

this verse is speaking volumes to me right now. it's one of those times when i feel as though God purposed me to read it at just the right time.

there has been a whirlwind of pain, suffering and loss around me lately. People I love dearly are walking through some of the hardest and darkest times. this past week it sort of all came to a head and i found myself struggling to believe that God even entertains our prayers. i am fighting to push back the lie that He doesn't hear our prayers and cries for help; fighting to shut down the voice that tells me to despair and not even pray because He already has a plan in mind and my prayers won't change it.

tonight i was mindlessly scrolling through pinterest like i do most nights before bed, when i came across a scripture pinned by my cousin. it was psalms 116:2; "because He has inclined his ear to me, therefore i will call on Him as long as i live." as i read it, i got this image in my head. lately tucker is doing this new thing when he is asking for something he isn't sure he is going to get. he tilts his head to the side and speaks in this small, quiet voice.."mommy, please can i have some cookies? please?" usually, i can't hear him when he uses this voice. i have to stop what i'm doing, get down on my knee, put my face close to his and to ask him to repeat himself.

that's what i felt like God was doing when i read this verse. it felt like God was taking my face in His hands, turning me towards Him and saying "see, haven't I told you that I hear you? that your heart cries matter me to me? do not doubt me, I am constant. I am never changing and I cannot lie." i opened up my bible to read the whole passage and saw this scripture that i had highlighted years ago in verse 7 "return o my soul to your rest, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you." it was then, as i started to repeat these verses out loud, that i was able to see so clearly that the urge to question God's regard for our prayers was a lie from satan. I know it can sound "crazy Christiany" to talk about satan lying to us, but the thing is, he does. he does and if we pretend that he doesn't we are putting ourselves in a dangerous place.

of course God has heard my prayers and the prayers of those dear to me over the past few months. of course He inclines His ear to listen to us. tonight i felt Him directing me to His words of truth. reminding me that my soul and heart can find rest Him. He has dealt bountifully with me. He has given me life, breath and an eternal hope.

the thing about pictures..

pictures are tricky. sometimes my own pictures trick me. i'll see a picture from an outing that i know was more work than fun and i'll start to remember it as slightly more enjoyable than it really was. it gets even more tricky with other people's pictures.

here's an example; this afternoon post nap time (which never happened for eisley, btw..) the kids were intensely rowdy so we filled up the baby pool, turned on the sprinkler and pushed everyone outside.

here are some pictures from our afternoon...

oh look, cute kids running through the sprinkler, a fun and sweet dad pushing a baby on a swing and one super adorable baby in a swimsuit.

but, what you don't see is the kids immediately melting down about the grass stuck to their feet after their first trip through the sprinkler, the exhaustion of the dad pushing that swing, the time outs older siblings earned by splashing water on the baby and each other, the fussy baby not lasting more than 5 mins in that pool and oh yeah, their mom...tired, sweaty and looking like this....

so i guess my point is this; don't let pictures fool you into thinking everyone's days are more fun than your own. the truth is, we were fighting to enjoy our kids today. we were fighting against tiredness, boredom and selfishness. we were dealing with grumpy kids with less than stellar attitudes. 

but you'd never know it from those pictures because pictures are tricky that way ;)

i'm not saying i regret college but...

after i graduated high school i went to college...because what else was i going to do? i started out at a community college and then transferred to the greatest university in the country, Texas A&M obviously.

college is to prepare you for adult life, right? i mean, that's what i always thought and in some ways i guess it did. however, more and more lately i find myself thinking that the job i had while in college is what actually did the most to prepare me for my current adult life.

i worked at a sandwich shop for 5+ years throughout college and for awhile afterwards. i made people food, took orders, worked amongst chaos, cleaned toilets, swept floors, washed dishes, cleared tables, took out the trash, and handled needy and demanding customers. hmm, seeing the parallel yet??

let's just go over what i do on a daily basis now, in my "adultlife". okay...

• make people food-check
• take orders-check 
• operate in sheer madness-check 
• clean toliets-check
• sweep floors-only about 20000x a day, so check
• wash dishes-um, check
• clean tables-check
• take out the trash-ok, so gregg mostly does this one and i will admit to not having to climb into any dumpsters to retrieve commercial sized trash since leaving that job 
• handle need and demanding customers-obviously, check

so there you go, i could have saved a ton of cash and effort by just working at my college job instead of actually going to college. i would be just as prepared for my current life. so, thanks Must be Heaven of Brenham, Tx. shout out to you for preparing me for life.

me, as told by pinterest

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how we met.

in two weeks Gregg and I will celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. it's hard to believe this time 8 years ago we had just spent a weekend together in Austin, meeting in person for the first time. i don't know that i've written out our story so i thought i would take the time to do that this year.

it's a long one..so

in december of 2004 i graduated from Texas A&M and started looking for my first post-college job. i had a BS in Sociology so it wasn't one of those degrees that guarantees you a job right out of school. i ended up moving back to Brenham and working at the restaurant i had worked at off and on throughout college. after a few weeks of living at home with my parents, i moved into an apartment with a friend in brenham and spent a lot of my non-working time online looking for jobs. i also spent a lot of time reading blogs. back then, blogging wasn't it's own industry like it is now. it was just people writing about the randomness of their lives and days and i loved it. i was skimming through blogs and looking through blog "groups" when i found one that was Christian themed in some way so i clicked on it. the next page had all these little profile pictures of it's "members" with a few sentences about the person's blog. i remember clicking through a few pages and for some reason Gregg's picture caught my eye. i can still picture it my head, a tiny tiny little picture of him in a blue polo. i clicked over to his blog and started reading and immediately thought to myself how similar we seemed. i noticed that he lived in florida though so i didn't really think much of it but i did continue to go back to his blog and read it daily. this went on for ONE YEAR. yes, i blog stalked him for a year before he knew i even existed.

flash forward one year and i'm living in austin now. i had moved in june of 2005 for a job and was living on my own. i loved austin and i loved living by myself but i was struggling with feeling lonely and so, so broke. i had just stopped dating a guy from work and was still hanging on to some confusion and hurt from a college relationship. all this time i had kept reading Gregg's blog and thinking about how we seemed so much alike. one day he had a song playing on the background (it was dennison witmer 24 turned 25) so i decided to leave him a comment asking about the song. the next thing i knew he had responded on my (super interesting..) blog and our back and forth conversation continued with paragraph long comments for a few days. i remember getting so excited every time i logged in and saw another response from him. now, this was in January of 2006 and AOL instant message was still the way to communicate online, so naturally we moved to that. we spent hours talking on AOL for a few days before he asked for my number. i'll admit i was a little hesitant at first, talking to guys online wasn't really normal for me but something inside me just knew it was okay. the first time gregg called me, i looked at the ringing phone for a few seconds wondering what in the world i was doing, but then i answered it. as soon as he said hello all the power in my apartment went out. i am not making that up, literally, as soon as i heard his voice, the lights in my apartment went out. i did panic for just a second thinking maybe the two were related and he had tracked me down and was about to break in or something..but then i realized it was just random timing and we talked for hours that night....and the next night. we also emailed long emails all throughout the day to one another. this went went on for about a month before he asked to come visit. again, i was hesitant at first but just knew it was good. i did not want to tell my parents because what parent is cool with a random internet guy coming to visit their daughter?? no parent. but gregg insisted that i tell them and my friends so it was some sketchy, secret thing. so i told my mom and she made me promise to take a friend with me to pick him up from the airport. my lucky friend samantha volunteered/was coerced into risking her life and coming along with me.

these are pictures of samantha and i on the car ride to pick up gregg for the first time. we were practicing our scared faces but i was too excited to look scared...

i knew before we even met in person that i was going to marry him but was just not ready to go there yet in my mind. the night before he flew in, i sat on the floor of my apartment and cried and cried. i was scared of moving forward and letting go of the past and i knew that is what was coming.

i'll never forget gregg coming down that escalator. he was wearing khakis, a blue and white striped GAP polo and some sort of brown loather boat shoe type things- a look i have not seen him recreate yet in the years since we met. ha. there was flight drama with him getting here (another long story i will skip..) so he didn't get in until 10pm. we picked him up and immediately went to kerbey lane for pancakes.

that first dinner at kerbey lane 

i remember just wanting to be close to him on that car ride and it taking a lot of self control to not grab his hand. after a few days of hanging out, it was obvious he was serious and knew the same thing i knew-this was "it". again, it scared me to no end so i wasn't ready to verbalize it yet.

a few months went by and a few more back and forth visits were made before he ended up moving to austin for the summer. he found some roommates through my church and lived in a ridiculous hot and cheap attic apartment by the UT campus from may until the end of august. at the end of the summer he had to go back to florida to finish college (we are the same age...he just took his time in college) and i knew i was going to go too. i was antsy at my job and liked the idea of moving somewhere new. i ended up loading whatever belongings i could fit into his 2 door ford explorer and making the move with him. i rented a house 2 blocks from the ocean with a couple of girls and we got engaged in Savannah, GA the week after we got back to florida. 6 months later we got married-almost exactly a year from the time we first met at the austin aiport.

seven years and three kids later, i forget that our story is unique and so sweet. i never thought i'd get engaged 6 months into a relationship and i NEVER would have guess i would meet my husband online in such a random way. of course, i don't really believe it was "random" but rather God using the internet to bring us together. i'm thankful for our story and it's craziness. and, more than ever, i am thankful for Gregg and the way he has always pursued me and made me a priority. it's a blessing and gift to live this life with him.

that one time i talk about breastfeeding...

i don't think i've talked about my breastfeeding experience with eisley on here and, while i know it's not really something other people are interested in, i kind of think i will want to remember how i felt about it. so go ahead and skip over this one in your reader...

it was obvious from eisley's 2nd night in the hospital that her needs weren't being met by breastfeeding alone. she had been very content between feedings, sleeping pretty much the whole chunk of time until she needed to eat again. sometime towards the end of that 2nd day i noticed that she was less content between feedings. i would feed her for 30 minutes and then she would seem okay for a few minutes but start yelling about 10 minutes later..feeding her more didn't help and i couldn't manually express anything either. it seemed obvious to me that we were headed down the familiar path of an insufficient supply. we told our nurse we thought she needed a bottle and of course our nurse was sure i just needed to "try longer". to which i basically responded, "look, this is my 3rd go around with this. our first baby basically starved for her first 2 weeks of life because we didn't realize this was happening. it's okay, give her a bottle." so they did but the nurse (who i am sure was well intentioned and just doing her job) called the lactation consultant to come to talk to me without me knowing. ha. it turned out to be good though because the lactation consultant just confirmed what i had already figured out. she said there is such as thing as insufficient glandular tissue and what i was describing seemed to be the case for me. even though i was already pretty sure this was my issue it was nice to have a lactation consultant recognize that instead of just telling me to try harder, pump more, take supplements, drink more water, hold out on a bottle, etc etc etc.

when we got home, i intended to do what i had done with abbey and tucker which is breastfeed + formula feed but after 2 weeks it became apparent that i just did not have the time to do both and keep up with my two other children.  i decided to let go of breastfeeding. it wasn't really a hard decision to make because it was just the practical one and i don't think formula is poison or that my children will be less intelligent/healthy with the lack of breast milk. it was hard for other reasons though. i just really, really wanted breastfeeding to work out this time. i knew it was my last chance and i was just hoping it would be different somehow. the frustrating thing for me is that i actually like breastfeeding and i have never had any of the problems so many women do getting started. my babies always adjusted to it really quickly and in eisley's case, seemed to prefer it over the bottle. but, my body just doesn't cooperate and nothing i do will change that. it is what is but i'm still a little sad about it. even four months later, every time i sit down to feed eisley i think about how i wish i were breastfeeding instead. i even think breastfeeding is way more convenient than bottle feeding-which i think most people assume the opposite. i get a little sad when i think about not having that experience again. i never, ever thought i would actually enjoy breastfeeding when i was pregnant with abbey. in fact, i sorta dreaded it but planned to do it primarily because it was important to gregg and the cost of formula. it took about 6 weeks for me to feel good about it but once i did, i didn't mind it at all. i kept up with breast + forumla feeding with abbey for 6ish months before switching to formula only.

i do sometimes still feel the need to explain why i'm not breastfeeding to other moms and every time i see the phrase "breast is best" i sorta want to lose it. (i mean, it's even on the formula canister..it's like it's saying "breast is best but if you must feed your child this subpar source of nutrition pick ours!", i'm sure it's required to be on there for some reason but it drives me crazy..)

so, that's that. we have one very healthy and happy sweet girl and for that, i am SO grateful.

full hands? yes, indeed.

i keep reading blog posts by people (moms) with small children who find it offensive when a stranger mentions that they "have their hands full" while out and about alone with their kids. since having eisley i can't go anywhere alone with the kids (church included) without someone making this comment to me. but i don't find it offensive. why? because i DO have my hands full. seriously, i do-literally and figuratively.

it happened to me today. i took the kids to a the grocery store just to pick up a handful of things. walking across the parking lot, i had eisley in the bjorn and tucker on my hip (that kid is not to be trusted in a parking lot) and was holding abbey's hand. a man walking in front of me saw us coming up to get a grocery cart and said "wow, you have your hands full!" and i said, "yes, indeed i do" and then he proceeded to get a cart for me. similar scenes have happened when i'm walking into the gym, at the playground alone with the kids, and dropping the kids of at church childcare. i don't take it as offensive, i don't see them as seeing my kids as burdens rather than blessings. listen, having 3 (or 2, or 1) small children is not for the faint of heart. it's not all fun, snuggles and giggles. it's exhausting. it's draining physically and mentally. yes, i love my children and i am so, so thankful God gave them to us when He did and in this timing but i will never pretend it is easy. i'm sure there are plenty of offensive, rude things yet to be said to me while out with my kids, but making the remark that my 'hands are full" is not one of them.

at least in my book.

on closing the door

i always assumed that at a certain point in life and family i would just feel DONE with having kids. that i would know without a doubt that it was time to pack up the maternity clothes and newborn gear for one last time and close that door. maybe it happens for some people that way, but i'm shocked to find that it's not happening that way for me.

i went to get my hair cut this past week (at a real salon for the first time in over a year!) and the guy cutting my hair was asking me about my day and what i "do." this question is always awkward for me to answer for some reason but when i told him that i had been at home with kids all day he said "oh, you're that. that's what you do." he asked how old our kids were and if we done. i told him we were done with pregnancies but hope adoption/foster care is in our families future at some point. he said "wow, you must really like kids if you have 3 and want more." well, the truth is, i am not really a kid person. i never have been. i've tried making kids my "thing" in the past and it's never worked out well for me. (explored the idea of elementary ed, babysitting, childcare work for a job and at church, etc) honestly, 10 years ago i would have never seen my life as what it is. i would have never guessed i would have had 3 babies in 3 years, be staying home full time and driving a minivan to play dates, parks and play gyms. i guess i always knew deep down that i would have children but it was never this burning desire that i just KNEW i was destined for. it's funny how things change and how God has slowly changed my desires. i look at tiny eisley and it breaks my heart to think she may very likely be the last newborn that i hold. even at 3am, when all i want to do is sleep, i look at her wide awake and smiling at me and i just can't imagine this being the end.

now, i know i've said we were done with pregnancies before and well, turned out we weren't. but this time, it really is different. after delivering eisley and talking to my doctor, it just doesn't seem safe or wise to go down the pregnancy road again. basically, it would be pretty risky for both myself and the unborn baby. so, truly, outside of a sovereign act of God, we will not be experiencing a newborn through pregnancy again. despite my lack of love for pregnancy itself, i am finding it a little sad to be closing that door.

maybe one day we will find our home with a newborn again through some other avenue. i hope so but it's hard to know for sure. is it possible to know for sure that you are done?

the truth is..

i've been struggling lately. i mean, struggling. it is funny how one thing starts to feel hard and then, before you know it, everything feels like an insurmountable task and you find yourself fighting back tears all day and day dreaming about hiding in your bed. at least it's that way for me.

the past few weeks have not been easy for me and because they have not been easy for me, they haven't exactly been a joy ride for everyone else in our home. here's the thing, i really really want to list off all the things that justify my poor attitude and struggle. i really do. it would make me feel better about myself and chances are you would probably agree that i'm somewhat justified in my complaints and general unpleasantness. unfortunately, that's not really going to help at the end of the day and will likely only fuel my self-pity when it comes down to it.

you know those days that we all have sometimes? the ones that leave us feeling like a failure of a mother, wife, friend, etc? the days when we had too little patience, yelled when we shouldn't have and put forth the bare minimum in our relationships? we all have them every now and then. unfortunately, i've been having that day for the past 3 weeks or so. every night i will go to bed planning for tomorrow to be better. vowing to muster up more energy and patience for the day ahead. i cry about how i'm wasting these last few days with my two babies before my time and energy are spread even more thin with the arrival of their new sibling. but, every morning i wake up tired, sore and feeling like i have no idea how i will survive the next 13 hours until bed time comes again.

yesterday, i finally had enough of hard day that i reached out to a friend. not in a huge way, but just a simple & quick text admitting that i had been struggling and asking for prayer. up until then, i'd just been accepting it as what life would be like until at least June 24th.

there is something about the power of community and knowing someone who gets it is praying for you. i know this person is sincere in their commitment to pray.  today was probably the best day we've had in weeks. it wasn't because i made good on my vow to "do better" either. i am convinced it was because God used the sincere prayers of my sweet friend for my good.

sometimes, it is easy to neglect praying when someone needs help and instead go straight to "doing". doing is nice and tangible and makes us feel useful. it definitely is needed and has it's place but it cannot replace the work God will do through the prayers of His children.

here's the thing, parenting is hard work. growing babies and taking care of small children is hard work. please don't ever let anyone try to convince you otherwise. i do think the load feels a little lighter though when we all admit it's hard work and that we just downright fail at it some days. i'm so thankful for the community God has placed in my life. i'm SO thankful for the many, many women around me who "get it", who aren't afraid to admit that's hard, that they suck sometimes too and who will truly pray when praying is needed.

"13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."james 5