Tuesday, January 26, 2010

the guilt and self doubt that comes with being a new parent can be overwhelming at times. all in all, i think i'm doing pretty well at being confident in how i handle abbey but i most definitely have my moments when i worry i am not doing anything the right way. for me, these thoughts most center around 2 things: 1. breastfeeding and 2. interacting with her

lets just get this out there right now-this is a total baby, new parent related post. if that bores you (and i can see how it would for some) feel free to move on..

breastfeeding came easy for us (us=abbey and i) and for that i was SO very grateful. as with everything, i was prepared for the worst. i was prepared for the weeks of crying (on my part) that i'd heard so much about it, i was prepared for lots of pain and discomfort and i was prepared for the frustration of having a baby that couldn't "latch on". to my great relief-i dealt with none of those things. however, what i have dealt with is the inability to provide enough milk for abbey to sustain on. for some reason this one thing that i have absolutely no control over has the ability to make me feel like a failure when i let it. i have already confirmed with my doctor and lactation consultants that i am doing everything within my power to make this situation better. unfortunately, none of those things are really helping. i even looked into taking a drug that is sometimes prescribed for this problem but my doctor doesn't give it out because the side effects are too bad. so, i give abbey formula after every bf session because if i did not she would never be full. this makes me feel so guilty. i worry about what other people think when they see me mixing a bottle for her in public-do they think i'm too selfish and lazy to bf my child when i know that's the best thing to do? this is something i never thought i'd feel guilty about but i do.

2. i don't really know how much interaction a newborn needs but now that abbey is getting better at laying in her crib watching her mobile go round and round-i start to feel guilty for leaving her in there. i feel like i should be talking to her more and playing with her more. although playing with an 8 week old is pretty much impossible but whatever. i do talk to her a lot and try to get her to "talk back". this is probably my favorite thing to do with her. i love to see her watching me and trying so hard to move her little mouth and get sounds out too. man, she is so precious. i have read to her on a couple of occasions but feel like i am not doing that enough. i am not going to lie, i feel a little strange reading to a baby that can't even hold their head up yet...

on top of these things i also worry about the little things-am i bathing her enough, is she getting clean enough when i do bath her, is she too hot/cold at night, why are there little red bumps all over her face-is this a result of something i am/am not doing?, am i taking her out too often, changing her diaper enough-etc etc etc.


Kathy Bonafede Ormont said...

Jen, you are such a wonderful mother. you are doing an awesome job!!! Can't wait to meet little Abbey.

Anonymous said...

Hey it's Emily, Gregg's sister, I just wanted to tell you I love reading your blog. I love how you write and how your so "real". Sometimes I feel like some weird stalker because I know so much about you/your life without you knowing but apparently that's the new blog rage. I love knowing about you and not having to talk to you as I share your aversion to talking on the phone with akward silences. I just wanted to let you know I enjoy your thoughts and your praise to God, sometimes I get annoyed by "church people" however I love God,need God, and sometimes "use" God to take away my stress. It's refreshing to hear your real life and your walk with God. Keep up the Blog work!
P S, Tell Gregg he hasn't updated in a long time. Get to it! JK