i am scared of having children for many reasons. the fear associated with having children that i have been dwelling on the longest is the obvious fear of actually giving birth to a child. when i tell people this (i.e. my mom) i usually get a response similar to "oh..everyone worries about that but everyone gets through it and so will you and then you will have something so beautiful." i know that is true but i don't think people understand that isn't really as much of a fear as it is a phobia. my best friend remembers me telling her when we were 10 that i wasn't going to have children but i wanted to adopt instead. i'm sure in my 10 year old mind i didn't realize how complicated adoption could be but it is something that has always been on my heart.

the other fear of having children is something i'm just starting to realize. several months ago gregg and i added our sweet little dog Macey to our home (well apartment..). Macey is 3 and so timid and scared of everything due to the conditions she was living in prior to coming to us. Dogs are so foreign to me because we never had pets growing up, so every little noise Macey makes I jump. At night we have started letting her sleep out of her crate and she usually ends up sleeping under our bed and sometimes i'm kept awake all night long because i swear i hear her bumping her head or making some weird noise. Last night during one of the times that I woke up it hit that when we have children-my fears and paranoia are going to triple (at the very least!). i know that i'm going to worry that they aren't getting enough food, that they are choking when they are just coughing, that they will somehow wander out of their bed when they are toddlers and get hurt or stolen.

seriously-can a person live with fear like that? i feel sorry for gregg. the longer we are married and the more our marriage grows i am realizing that God really did bring us together. gregg is everything i am not in so many ways; he is calm and level headed when in a stressful situation; he is able to stay rational and address the problem instead of running from it. and best of all-he's a nurse :) a critical care nurse at that so i am set.

children are still several years down the road for us but i think it's good that i'm realizing all this now so hopefully i can work on it before it actually becomes an issue. being an adult is not so much fun..